| It's my 22nd birthday and boy do I feel like shit. My life is in shambles (or so it seems.) Why is it in shambles you ask? Why, because I've got more going for me now than I've ever had going for me in my life. I think the quote from Great Expectations goes something like, "there's nothing worse than being given a chance." Amen brother. I feel like shit. I don't like pressure. I'm not a big fan of responsibility. Unless it's a part of something I enjoy. There is very little that I enjoy. Anyways. My birthday. Calls from Mom. Calls from dad. Call from my love. I hung up on her in the crucial moment when you're letting each other go, and someone is supposed to say the Magical Three Words. No such luck. I've been way to miserable lately to be in love. So she calls back and of course I don't answer. Her answering machine message was stern but concerned and I don't know what the hell I feel about her anymore. I can feel us ending. She's the best thing that's ever happened to me but for some reason I feel no impulse whatsoever to keep her. I suppose once she's gone I'll see the light and try to mend my ways, much too late of course. That's the rotation of things around here I guess. So I'm sitting alone, friendless and drunk on my birthday. I think my only salvation was a call from my scuba instructor informing me of a dive that we'll be taking tomorrow, weather permitting. I've only been diving once, which was a highly enjoyable experience. I talked to my love on the phone that night and she was extremely impressed at how happy I sounded. Out of character, perhaps? | (continued) Why would you stay with someone who is miserable most of the time? Why would someone who is miserable all the time stay with someone who is so unbelievably overjoyed with life? Since I'm having thoughts such as these means that we are doomed. Of course, that is only until I come out of my depression, which always happens. So I guess we just wait it out. No problem, since that's all we do. She's always gone, so we're always waiting. Waiting to see each other again, waiting to wake up in arms, breathing in unison and generally having a splendid time being in love and wondering why the rest of the world is so crazy for not feeling the same. I guess you only want the things you have to fight for. We fell easily in love, neither of us wanting to admit it to the other. I've never been in love before, and she says she thought she was once in love but, "God, nothing like this." What can I say? I have almost no experience to draw from. Maybe that's my problem. Do I need to spoil my wild side with some whore who doesn't care about me just to realize how good my life was? It's a new year. New year for me, and I have no plans. Scratch that, I have too many plans. I'm overburdened with so many goals and responsibilities they seem imaginary. I pray that I don't pull through like I always do with mediocre results. It hurts. The only thing worse than the infamy of defeat is the anonymity of mediocrity. Well happy birthday friends, one year older, perhaps a little wiser, always fighting, always alone. Cheers. |